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5 Things To Do When Your Husband Has Cheated On You
 

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Home Topic General 5 Things To Do When Your Husband Has Cheated On You

5 Things To Do When Your Husband Has Cheated On You

Author: Naresh Belliyappa

You have irrefutable proof that your husband is cheating on you. How do you handle this information, this most personal of all betrayals? You confront him, he denies it, you show him the proof, he goes on the defensive. Accusations, denials, harsh words are flung at each other till both sides retire to recoup and ponder the next step. So far it has been par for the course; but what you do next can determine the course of your life. So it is very, very important that you consider your next step. Remember that even those who care the most for you will offer advice or suggestions based on their subjective opinions and while they mean well, you are the one who will be affected the most by what you do.

How do you cope with the fact that your husband has been having an affair? Here are some suggestions that might help you come to terms with the harrowing situation.

1. Treat it as a bereavement - Treat the news as you would the news of any other deep loss. After all, it is the death of your marriage as you knew it, the death of trust, of your self confidence and your image of the two of you as one unit loyal to each other and to all that you have accomplished together in your marriage. It is neither fair to nor possible for someone in such a situation to "get over it" in a few days or even weeks. But with the passing of the days, you might find that the number of friends wholeheartedly by your side has started dwindling. While no one would suggest that you mourn for months, no one but yourself can decide when you are ready to move on to the next step.

2. Take Stock - Once the grief has reached manageable levels, it is time to start taking stock of your life and your marriage. This is where you need to be as dispassionate as possible. Consider the length of marriage, the effect on the children, what your husband has brought to the marriage in terms of support, understanding, friendship - all the intangible assets that is each spouse's contribution to the marriage. Though it is natural to suspect your instincts and your faith in yourself is precarious, you can still look back on your years together and try to see the changes that have occurred in your relationship. Decide whether the changes have diminished your bond or enhanced it. Look at all that you know of your husband and decide whether this was a 'once in a lifetime mistake' or if there was always a niggling doubt that you just didn't want to explore till now.

3. Weigh the pros and cons of separation - Divorce is always an option, but once the emotional tempest subsides, you should ask yourself if it is the only alternative open to you. Even a trial separation can have unintended consequences as one or the other spouse might feel that from there to divorce is but a short step. While living in the same house as the one who has hurt you so badly will be difficult, it is a tacit admission that there is still the desire to salvage the marriage. If on the other hand, you think divorce is the only solution, then you should make sure that you consider all aspects of your resolution, so that you have no regrets later.

4. State Your Terms - Once you have decided on what you plan to do, it would be a good idea to state your intentions to your husband in as unambiguous and unemotional a manner as possible. Bear in mind that he most likely feels guilty and hence resentful, so he will not be in a mood for what he thinks will be more condemnation. Imagine his surprise when you tell him very calmly, without histrionics or blame, how his actions have made you feel and what you plan to do about the situation. Gauge his reactions dispassionately - whether he is genuinely remorseful or is just mouthing self serving promises and platitudes. Listen to his explanations and see if both of you are willing to give your marriage a second chance. This is too important for it not to be a joint decision.

5. Decision Time - Having talked to your husband and heard each others point of view, it is time for you to make a decision. Do you think it is worth continuing in the marriage or do you feel that it is not something you can commit to? Whatever the outcome of your decision, make sure that it is something that you can live with.

The marriage will never be as it once was, the trust is gone and it will be a long time before you can even think of forgiving him. Your husband needs to regain your trust and you do need to be able to set aside your feelings of anger and bitterness. But the good news is that it can be done if both of you are willing to commit yourselves to salvaging your marriage. With help and hard work, the relationship between you and your husband can become even more profound, based as it is on a new understanding of each other. Is this something important enough to fight for? Only you can decide.